A day to be reminded for what you're thankful for. But for me, it was a day I had been dreading all year.
Last year, I was "sick" on Thanksgiving day, so I didn't eat. I wanted this year to be different. I wanted to enjoy the good food. Mentally, I was so prepared for it. I was ready for the struggle I was going to face. But I wasn't prepared for what actually happened.
About a week before, I found eight blades on my bedroom floor. I quickly grabbed them without thinking and hid them under my mattress. It was a stupid mistake that I regret, but I can't do anything about it now.
I didn't use them that day. Just knowing I had them felt like a kind of security to me. For that week, I didn't really go to God like I should have. I didn't read my Bible or pray. I shut myself off from Him, which is the stupidest thing I've ever done.
Thanksgiving came along and things were going well. I ate a lot for lunch and kept it down. Then at dinner my grandma said I was getting chunky. This isn't the first time she's said this. But even worse, she asked if my sister was anorexic. So my sister's skinny and I'm not.
So basically my Thanksgiving was stressful. That's normal. I have learned how to handle stress better. But I had blades. It was an easy way out, and selfishly, I cut myself.
A few days later my friends found out, and they told me to throw them away. I didn't listen at first, but I knew keeping them was only going to make it harder for me. So I went out to a lake and threw them. But I stopped at the last one. I held it for five minutes. Then the wind took it and tossed it in the lake. Coincidence? I don't think so.
I failed. I not only hurt myself, but I hurt the people around me too. But, God didn't leave me. He picked me up when I fell down. I let Him down, but He didn't give up on me. I turned my back on Him, but He never left. After all the times I have failed, He hasn't left. Isn't that crazy? He hasn't left. If I had a friend who treated me like I sometimes treat God, I would have been long gone. But that's the cool thing about our God. HE WON'T LEAVE YOU. He didn't leave Paul who was persecuting Christians! If you go to Him when you mess up, he will lift you up. He knows what's best for you.
After everything i have done wrong in my life, I am not a failure. Like a good friend and mentor once told me, "Just because you fail, that doesn't mean that you're a failure." I may be to some people, but not to God. I will NEVER be a failure in God's eyes, and neither will you.
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