Why?

by Cece

When I was a little girl I was always asking why. It was one of my favorite words. And even now, as a teenager, I still like to wonder why. But this time, there is no innocence to the seemingly harmless question. There is a darkness to it. 

In the seventh grade, I went through a depression stage. I felt like nobody was on my side. I decided to try cutting myself. I mean, people were talking about how it would relieve them from pain, so I thought, ‘Why not.’ I got home and tried it. I started bleeding a lot, and I couldn’t stop crying. I thought I had hit something important. I got up and wrapped my arm up tightly, then went to clean up the mess. I made a vow to never cut myself again. It hurt, and it only made me feel worse.

Fast forward to a few months later. My boyfriend dumped for a girl who hated me, my best friend was spreading rumors about me, and on top of all of that, I was getting notes in my locker telling me I was ugly, useless, and stupid. One note told me to kill myself, that it would make everyone’s life easier. 

So that is what I did, or at least tried to do. But I was too scared, so at the very last second, I chickened out.

From that point on, I felt like nothing. I hated myself and everyone around me. I forgot that I had a mother, father, and two brothers who loved me. All I could do was ask myself, 'Why?' Why would God do this too me? Why would He put me through pain, make me suffer and hate myself? I thought if He really loved me, like everyone says He does, then He wouldn’t make anyone go through that. 

Then I realized something. I was being selfish.

God allows me and others to endure pain and misery to be an example. I could help and reach out to young girls who hate themselves just as much as I hated myself. I could prove to them that life really DOES get better, that all they have to do is forget about everyone else and picture what God would say if He saw you cutting yourself, puking up your lunch, or about to take the life He gave you. 

How do you think he would feel? Happy? Giddy? Excited? 

He doesn’t want you to be unhappy, it breaks His heart. God loves you more than your own parents love you. He wants you to trust in Him with all your feelings and regrets. He is just waiting for the moment when you are finally ready to share.

Editor's note: If you feel you might be at risk for self harm or suicide, please talk to someone. Tell your parents, your youth minister or sponsor, a trusted friend or neighbor, or a counselor. It's important to acknowledge your emotions and reach out for help. There are so many people who love you and are willing to help if you let them!