Diving in...with faith

By Payson

Well.

I have absolutely NO idea where to start.

I guess I might as well introduce myself. I'm a girl. A teenage girl. But I guess that's obvious. Why else would i be blogging for Mighty Strong Girls? I'm your average teen. I sleep all day if i can help it; I hate doing chores; I love music; and I hate vegtables. Well, there's one thing that not many people know about me: I self-harm.

I've been cutting for a few years. In the middle of that I developed an eating disorder. I've been through a lot in my short life. All caused by poor self image. I never felt good enough. Society told me I had to look a certain way to be "beautiful." I couldn't be over 100 pounds. That was too fat. 

Growing up I looked up to so many actresses and singers. All of whom were beautiful and skinny. I wanted to be like them. That's what caused my eating disorder. I cut as a way to cope. I wanted to feel something other then sadness. It was my secret shame. I wanted to keep it that way.

But that didn't last. People found out. A lot of people found out, and after a year of hard work and many painful nights, here I am. Better then ever. No, I'm not healed. I still struggle everyday. Trust me, I'm nowhere near healed! But I've come a long way.

Recently, I went almost three months without harming myself. But then one day I stumbled. I hated myself for it. 

I went a water park with some friends a week after I cut, not realizing that I couldn't show my leg. I didn't get in the water the whole time. I had to lie to my friend's face about why I didn't want to swim. That made me hate myself even more.

God was with me through it all though. He put me through that little stumble to make me realize the fight isn't over. That even when I turn my back on him, He won't leave me. He loves me so much. It's insane.

When I look back on my life, I'm not upset with it. I've made some awful mistakes, but none were big enough for God to leave my side. 

I've often wondered why God would put me through this. A few weeks ago, He was speaking to me through His word, and I finally figured it out. God is going to use me to reach out to other girls with similar issues. That is His plan. At least for now. 

And I am going to dive in full-heartedly. I'm ready for what God has in store for me, and Mighty Strong Girls has already been a big part of my life, so I figured this would be a pretty good place to start.