Discovering true strength

By Payson

Have you ever thought about how strong your bones are? Like really thought about it? 

How do those people who karate chop cement blocks not break their arms? Easy.Their bones are stronger than the cement. A few years ago when I realized this, I made a conclusion: Bones = Strength.

My hip bones jet out. Thats just how my body is. But when I wasn't eating you could really see them. Some poeple would hate that, but me? I loved it. That could have been the eating disorder talking; but I saw my hip bones, and I felt strong. Same with my collar bones and my wrist bones. Being able to see my bones was a reminder of how strong I was. I constantly rubbed them. It made me feel skinny. It made me feel strong.

When I really think about that now, it makes me sick. I allowed the media to brainwash me into thinking that having your bones visable is a good thing. It makes you "beautiful." But really, with the media being accesible as it is, how could anyone possibly get around it? Honestly, there are very few days when I feel good about my body. I feel like I should be as skinny as I used to be 50 pounds ago.

Back then I thought being 70 pounds and over 5 feet was normal. Take a look at the women in magazines and on TV. That seems normal. But go to the doctors. That's way underweight. That's unhealthy. 

About 5'3 and 120 pounds. That's healthy. That's normal.

Some days all I want to do is be skinny again. I want to be able to fit into my friends' clothes. I want to be able to see all the individual vertebrae of my back bone. I want to weight less than 100 pounds. I want to be society's screwed up version of beautiful.

But other days I can look at myself and be okay with it. I can look at myself and realize that being healthy is better than being skinny. I like the size of my clothes. I am happy with myself. I see myself as pretty. I am aware that being beautiful on the inside is better than being beautiful on the outside

So, when I think of strength do I think of body builders? Football players? Those guys who karate chop cement?

No. I think of the strength it takes to get through life with society's lies being pushed in your face. The strength it takes to be able to recover from eating disorders, self harm addictions, depression, anxiety -- all the things I have dealt with. The strength it takes to look in the mirror and be okay with what you see.

The strength that God has given me is unbelievable. I'm actually grateful for what I've been through. It's made me who I am. It's made me discover a new definition of strong.

You don't have to have giant muscles to be strong. If you can look at youself the way God sees you, then I consider you to be one of the strongest people on Earth. It's not an easy thing to do. I'm far from it, but I'm working on it. Gods making me stronger and stronger each day, and I can't thank him enough.