Payson is bringing her secrets out of the dark...stay tuned!

by Payson

     Wow. It's been an entire year since I've written anything for this blog. That's ridiculous. 
     Hopefully I can write more regularly once this next issue of the magazine comes out. Why do I have to wait until the next issue comes out? Because I will be in the next issue. Like, the real me. So basically this will be my last anonymous blog post. Yeah. I said it. I'm revealing myself! You finally get to know who I really am, which is terrifying to me.
     Having to share secrets and share your struggles with anyone is a scary thing to do. Admitting that you mess up and you aren't perfect is scary. But sometimes it's just necessary.
     In my situation, if I didn't tell anyone about my struggles with anorexia, bulimia, and self harm, I probably would have died. At the time I didn't think that. I thought I was fine. Looking back I can see how messed up it was for me to think that I was okay.
     I've come a long way since then. But that doesn't mean I'm cured. I still struggle. Some days are better than others. But now I have a support system in place to help me through those hard days.
     The next step for me is to basically share who I am and what I've been through with the world. I want people to know that I'm not ashamed of what I've been through. That it's scary, but telling people is okay if it means you will get help. I don't want eating disorders and self harm to be something no one really ever talks about. It's a real thing and a lot of people are affected by it, and if me sharing my story helps people understand that, then that's what I want to do.
     I'm going to be honest. I'm absolutely terrified. But, I'm no longer ashamed. So the next time you'll hear from me, I'll really be me. The real me. With all my screw ups and all my imperfections. I hope you take it easy on me!

Stop listening to your heart!

     Imagine your heart like a pitcher. You know, the kind you make tea or Kool-aid in. 
     Whatever ingredients you put in it, that determines the taste. No matter what you may want to taste or expect to taste, when a glass is put in front of it, what comes out of the pitcher is determined exactly by what you put in it.
     That's exactly what happens when you pour something into your heart. That's exactly why it's SO DANGEROUS to listen to your heart!
     Jeremiah 17:9 says:  The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?

     When you pour hate in your heart, you will pour out hate on others — or even yourself. When you pour anger, resentment, fear, jealousy, pride, or bitterness on your heart, it will leak out somehow. Even if you try hard not to let it. 

     It makes me think of verses I heard in Sunday school from Genesis 4:6-7: Then the LORD said to Cain, "Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it."

     What a scary thought? Sin is crouching at MY door and desires to HAVE me! I MUST master it!! 

     Whatever is causing you to put negative feelings in your heart, that's not from God. That comes from you, rooted in sin that you are responsible for mastering. Nobody else!

     Whether you are dealing with a boyfriend, gossip, bullies, your best friends, your siblings, it's so important that you MASTER YOUR EMOTIONS. Otherwise, they will rule over you. (You can learn more about this in the current issue of Mighty Strong Girls.)

     "But it feels right to be angry," you might say. Especially if it's a social injustice you are fired up about. And that's right, it's OK sometimes to be angry. 

     Before you soak your heart with the emotion, line it up with the one source of TRUTH you have been given from the Lord — His word. It is your guide for all the ingredients God desires for you to pour into your heart, so you can in turn pour it out onto others. 

     God isn't responsible for our hearts. We are. He offers us truth. We can find it in His word. 

     

Day 29: Do you offer LOVE to the school gossip?

Today's reading — Proverbs 17

So, the last blog was about gossip. This one picks up right where that one left off. In Proverbs 17, verse 9: 

She who overs over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends. 

I'll be honest, I've got a LOW tolerance for gossip. If you share something with me about someone else that SHOULD come from their lips to my ears and not from your lips, I tend to hold it against you. 

I never say anything to you about it, but for darn sure I talk to my husband. And I'll know never to tell you anything of a personal nature about myself. Because now I don't trust you. Even if you had someone's permission, that what they told you was NOT in confidence, I don't feel it's right to discuss other people's problems without them present! Period. 

OK, who's sinning here? 

According to our verse, repeating the matter separates close friends. And I never repeat someone's secrets, so that must make me a good person. Right? 

Hmmmm.... This verse had me thinking that I'm not actually covering over the offense in love. Instead, I get defensive and judgmental, righteous and all holier-than-thou. 

Is it OK not to trust someone who speaks of others' secrets? Probably. God wants us to be discerning about our friendships. But He also asks us to extend the hand of grace and the offer of forgiveness. Just like He did for us!

{seeking more of His grace}
Amy