Learning to use God as her safety net

by Katie Basso

A lot happened at CIY this year. Like, a lot.

First off, for those of you who don't know. CIY stands for Christ in Youth. They have different camps for different age groups. The one I am specially talking about is CIY MOVE, which is for high schoolers. I have been blessed to have attended four CIY MOVE camps in my lifetime. Well, more like three and a half, but that is a story for a different time.

This year was big for me. I was pushed outside of my comfort zone by going with my new church and knowing almost no one. It was hard, and at some points it made listening to God more difficult.

But He made something very clear to me. I'm still holding onto my addictions. I haven't let them go yet. I'm like a little kid with their blanky. It's like a sense of protection for them. That's how my addictions are for me. I know that if something happens, I will have these things to fall back on. They will always be here.

But God doesn't want me to use them as a safety net. He was me to use Him as a safety net.

At the beginning of the week everyone was given a red piece of yarn. Later on we were told that this piece of yarn represents a sin that's holding us back, or something that we need to let go of. There was a big metal circle placed in the front of the theater we were in, and in the circle was a heart. We were challenged to come up and tie our yarn to the circle which represented us, and then to the heart which represented Jesus.

My string represented my addictions.

And I couldn't do it. I couldn't tie the string. I wanted to so badly, but I felt that if I did I would be lying to myself and to God. So I didn't do it. I still have the red piece of yarn with me. I haven't let it go.

Addictions are just symptoms though. I still haven't figured out what mine are symptoms of, but I am praying that God reveals that to me. I trust He will when the time is right. Until then, I'm leaning on Him instead of my addictions. They are still there in the back of my mind, but I'm slowly getting better at going to God first.

Payson reveals her real identity

     by Katie Basso
 First off, let me reintroduce myself. 
      My name, my REAL name, is Katie Basso. I am 16 years old, soon to be 17, and will be a senior at Athens High School next year. And, as I said when I was Payson, I have and still struggle with an eating disorder and a self-harm addiction. 
     The first thing I’d like to explain as my real self is how terrifying this whole thing is for me. Everyone is going to know my story. I have kept this a secret for 5 years. I desperately tried to hide this from my friends and family, and now it’s all coming out. 
     I know you’re probably asking, “Well if you’re so scared then why are you sharing it?” 
     Because I feel like God is calling me to. Because I feel like sharing my story could help someone who is going through what I went through. Because I am no longer ashamed of my mental illness, and I feel that no one should be ashamed of theirs. 
     A little over 2 years ago I met Amy, the founder of Mighty Strong Girls. She saw my posts on Facebook and she messaged me, sending me virtual hugs. That summer I went to a Christ In Youth conference that changed my life. That was the first time I really felt like God was calling me to share my story, although at the time, I was still really deep in my struggles. But I said yes anyway. 
      I talked to Amy about how I could share my story. She told me to write out my story while she searched. Eventually she told me that there was nothing out there. But, being the amazing person that she is, she came up with her own idea. Mighty Strong Girls. I was a little skeptical at first. But, soon it became this amazing thing with the help of so many amazing people. 
     So yeah, I guess you could say that I am the reason why Mighty Strong Girls is even a thing, but I don’t like to look at myself that way. I look at it as God bringing Amy and I together, and Him giving me the strength to even consider sharing my story, and Him giving Amy the idea of Mighty Strong Girls. 
      It was all God. So anyway, here I am. The real me. My story. I hope you all can bear with me as I share the part of me that I’ve had hidden for so long.

     You can read Katie's story in her own words in the summer issue of Mighty Strong Girls magazine. It is available for sale at http://www.mightystronggirls.com/the-magazine.html. 
 

Payson is bringing her secrets out of the dark...stay tuned!

by Payson

     Wow. It's been an entire year since I've written anything for this blog. That's ridiculous. 
     Hopefully I can write more regularly once this next issue of the magazine comes out. Why do I have to wait until the next issue comes out? Because I will be in the next issue. Like, the real me. So basically this will be my last anonymous blog post. Yeah. I said it. I'm revealing myself! You finally get to know who I really am, which is terrifying to me.
     Having to share secrets and share your struggles with anyone is a scary thing to do. Admitting that you mess up and you aren't perfect is scary. But sometimes it's just necessary.
     In my situation, if I didn't tell anyone about my struggles with anorexia, bulimia, and self harm, I probably would have died. At the time I didn't think that. I thought I was fine. Looking back I can see how messed up it was for me to think that I was okay.
     I've come a long way since then. But that doesn't mean I'm cured. I still struggle. Some days are better than others. But now I have a support system in place to help me through those hard days.
     The next step for me is to basically share who I am and what I've been through with the world. I want people to know that I'm not ashamed of what I've been through. That it's scary, but telling people is okay if it means you will get help. I don't want eating disorders and self harm to be something no one really ever talks about. It's a real thing and a lot of people are affected by it, and if me sharing my story helps people understand that, then that's what I want to do.
     I'm going to be honest. I'm absolutely terrified. But, I'm no longer ashamed. So the next time you'll hear from me, I'll really be me. The real me. With all my screw ups and all my imperfections. I hope you take it easy on me!

Day 16: Is your cost addiction, peers, eating disorders? Will you empty your pockets of it today?

Today's reading — Proverbs 4

In the last year, I craved — no, I NEEDED — a closeness to God. I promised I would follow Him, be obedient to Him no matter what! And because I'm a skeptic and a doubter by nature, I've always needed so much extra reassurance. I'm like the stubborn, strong-willed, bratty, needy, hard-to-raise kid! LOL! 

I acknowledged it. And then I worked to overcome it by stepping into His presence. Often, I had to leave the house, the community where I live, the county so I could connect with God and focus on hearing His will for me. Yes, it was hard, hard work! It does not always come easy, even if you have a history of obedience. There are times His voice seems distant and unclear. 

But here, in Proverbs 4, He makes a promise that He will guide us in the ways of wisdom and make sure we don't stumble and that our walk will not be hampered. (verses 11-13) "Hold on to instruction, do not let it go; guard it well, for it is your life." 

Solomon writes that getting understanding and wisdom may cost us all we have (verse 7). Wow. That's lot, right? But our life is on the line, so is the cost too high? 

I think the cost is different for everyone. And "all we have" may not even be all the money in our pocket. Maybe the cost is giving up an addiction we cling to or a fear we can't turn over to God that's choking our faith. Or maybe the cost is giving up a friend or a group of friends because their influence is standing between you and God. 

What is the cost for you? Is it financial? Or is it your reputation? Will you not fit in with your peers if you seek God's wisdom? If that's what you invest in as the most important thing to you, than it will cost you indeed! What if the cost for you is recovering from an addiction — your phone, cutting, eating disorder, sex? Will you pay the price? 

Because the cost of not seeking wisdom is much higher. Death, destruction, violence, evil. 

It's clear from this chapter that we all have a choice to make. A path to travel on, a price to pay. Thanks be to God for the redemption that comes with the cost! If it were free, would it have any value? 

In verse 23, guard your heart above all for it is "the wellspring of life." 

How do we do all this? Fix our gazes straight ahead, verse 25; make level paths for our feet, verse 26; and DO NOT SWERVE, verse 27. 

It's worth it, Mighty Strong Girls, to pay a price for the path of righteousness! I pray you will not stumble! If you do, remember ours is a God of second chances. Don't look back, to the left or to the right, but get right back on the path and recommit yourself! You can do it!  

{Hugs}

Amy 

Falling off the wagon

by Cece

Falling off the wagon is something even the best of us do. It's not always something you can prevent, no matter how hard you try. 

When I lose sight of what's important, I go into what I call "the twilight zone." Everything is put on mute, and my mind seems to turn off. Everything seems to be on fast forward, and I can never remember what really happened afterward. I go into some sort of frenzy. 

But I have some tips to keep you from falling off of the wagon.

1) Find something to focus/obsesses over. You need something to do when something goes wrong instead of harming yourself.  For me, I would watch The Little Mermaid. It was the movie my mom would always put on when I was sad.

2) Call someone. You need someone to talk you down from the ledge, so I would suggested a good friend. Someone you can trust.

3) Think of your family. When you are about to do something rash, think of your parents and/or siblings. What would they say/do if they found you harming yourself, how would they feel.

4) Take some time to calm down. If I was about to harm myself, I would pace and take some deep breaths. Then I would put on some upbeat music and take a shower. This gives you some time to think about what you were about to do and realize how stupid it was.

5)  Watch TV or listen to music. Sitting down and focusing on whatever you are watching/listening to will distract you and give you some time to sort everything out.

6)  Think about what would happen if you ended up dying. Think about the grief you would put your family and friends through. Think about everything you will miss if you ended your life.

 

I hope these tips help you from doing something stupid. You are worth more than you will ever realize and GOD has an amazing plan for your future. You don't want to miss out what he has in store for you. You may not think people will care, but in truth, they absolutely will.

         

Your Defining Moment

by Cece

Whether you know it or not, at some point in your life you have had a moment that has influenced your future. 

These moments contribute to who we are and everything else about us. Your defining moments may be good or bad; it really doesn’t matter. I have had multiple moments in my life that have made me who I am.

For me, I have more bad defining moments than good. I have had a rough past couple of weeks. My best friend and I got into a fight, she called me names and then I fell off the wagon and cut myself. They are now just barely visible scars, but the moment I took the knife in my hand and the moment my arm swelled and burned are something I will never forget. 

Then about a week or so ago, my dad left. He and my mom had a fight and little did they know I had heard the whole thing. I do not want to disclose what it was about, but my siblings were affected greatly by this sudden change. I have had to grow up a lot lately and be strong for my brother. Lastly, I started not eating. I lost about 6-8 pounds in the last week. I am now eating normally now, but I think I have scared a lot of people lately. They have seen me walk around like a zombie for the past two weeks. |

Until I realized that what I was doing wasn’t helping anyone. I was just making my mom feel worse, my friends scared to leave me alone, and my siblings worried that I couldn’t handle what had happened. 

I don’t want this blog to make you cry or feel bad for me. I want this to show you that even the bad moments in your life are essential  to growing up, to becoming the person who you are. I feel like I have aged about 20 years in this past month. I am a better person; I have a better relationship with GOD, and I now appreciate all the little things in life that I have never noticed before. 

I have created an email at  MightyStrongCece@yahoo.com for anyone who wants to ask me questions, advice or anything. Whatever you want, just ask away. I just want you all to know that I am here for you, and I want to help you with whatever you need.

Viewing my body as God's temple

by Payson

In my life, I've always been the "messed up" friend. The friend who cut herself. The friend who starved herself. The friend who attempted suicide. I've never really known what it was like until just recently.

A very close friend of mine threatened to kill herself a few months back. I raced to her house to find her on the floor, blade in hand, ready to slice open her skin. Luckily, I made it in time, and she didn't go through with it. But let me tell you, that really opened my eyes. 

I had never realized what I put my friends through. I never realized how much pain that they went through for something that I did. I didn't know that it hurt THAT much. But it did. I sat in my friend's house and cried for hours, blaming myself for what she did. "Why didn't I notice it? I know all the signs. I should have been paying her more attention." These thoughts raced through my head, and it made me feel terrible for putting my best friends through this same thing. It will make me think twice when a thought like that ever crosses my mind again.

Also, very recently I found out that a very close friend of mine self harms. I've never been on this end of cutting before. When the text came saying, "Yes, I do," my heart dropped. How could someone so beautiful and so amazing do that to herself. I sat there and looked at the text for a good 10 minutes before responding. I didn't know what to say. I've never been in that situation before. 

I'm sure this is what my friends and family felt when I told them for the first time. Maybe you have felt this way. The best thing for you to do is to encourage them to tell their parents. Then to get professional help. But trust me, I know from experience that won't go over very well. Just be a friend to them. Remind them that you are ALWAYS there for them and that God is there, too. That's what got me through some of my bad days. 1 Corinthians 6:19 talks about your body being God's temple. God gave you that body. He doesn't want you harming it.

It's weird being on this end for once. But God put me through everything that I went through exactly for this reason. So that I can help people who are going though this. It has given me so much knowledge about these things. I have experience that helps me encourage others into recovery. Sometimes I regret going through what I did. But most times I couldn't be more grateful to God. He always knows exactly what He's doing. :)

Understanding beauty

by Ree
I'm just a girl trying to find her place. And I surely do believe that my place is helping other girls who are having trouble understanding that they are beautiful no matter what. 
I am someone wo has suffered for many years believing I am not beautiful enough or good enough for anyone. Yes, my self confidence is still very low, but I am understanding that no matter what I am beautiful.
Pretty much my entire life I looked up to singers, actors, actresses or anyone famous for that matter, but doing so hurt my self confidence. I started to cut myself in seventh grade because I felt I wasn't good enough (but also other reasons as well). I felt as if I would never, ever be good enough. I felt I needed to have the perfect hair. The perfect skin. And of course the smallest body I could possibly have. 
As I got older people at school and members of my own family, would make fun of the clothes I wore, my weight or just the way I looked in general. At that time (my freshmen year), I had been free of cutting for two years, but then one day I just cracked...I let myself slip away back to the pain that only lasted merely a second. 
I was off and on from cutting ever since, and now here I am a junior, and I still am cutting every now and I have been clean for 100 days, which for me is a huge step! Let me help Mighty Strong Girls in letting girls know that they dont have to be a size "0," or have "perfect" anything to be beautiful! 

God's grace is bigger than our failures!

Thanksgiving. 

A day to be reminded for what you're thankful for. But for me, it was a day I had been dreading all year.

Last year, I was "sick" on Thanksgiving day, so I didn't eat. I wanted this year to be different. I wanted to enjoy the good food. Mentally, I was so prepared for it. I was ready for the struggle I was going to face. But I wasn't prepared for what actually happened.

About a week before, I found eight blades on my bedroom floor. I quickly grabbed them without thinking and hid them under my mattress. It was a stupid mistake that I regret, but I can't do anything about it now.

I didn't use them that day. Just knowing I had them felt like a kind of security to me. For that week, I didn't really go to God like I should have. I didn't read my Bible or pray. I shut myself off from Him, which is the stupidest thing I've ever done.

Thanksgiving came along and things were going well. I ate a lot for lunch and kept it down. Then at dinner my grandma said I was getting chunky. This isn't the first time she's said this. But even worse, she asked if my sister was anorexic. So my sister's skinny and I'm not.

So basically my Thanksgiving was stressful. That's normal. I have learned how to handle stress better. But I had blades. It was an easy way out, and selfishly, I cut myself.

A few days later my friends found out, and they told me to throw them away. I didn't listen at first, but I knew keeping them was only going to make it harder for me. So I went out to a lake and threw them. But I stopped at the last one. I held it for five minutes. Then the wind took it and tossed it in the lake. Coincidence? I don't think so.

I failed. I not only hurt myself, but I hurt the people around me too. But, God didn't leave me. He picked me up when I fell down. I let Him down, but He didn't give up on me. I turned my back on Him, but He never left. After all the times I have failed, He hasn't left. Isn't that crazy? He hasn't left. If I had a friend who treated me like I sometimes treat God, I would have been long gone. But that's the cool thing about our God. HE WON'T LEAVE YOU. He didn't leave Paul who was persecuting Christians! If you go to Him when you mess up, he will lift you up. He knows what's best for you.

After everything i have done wrong in my life, I am not a failure. Like a good friend and mentor once told me, "Just because you fail, that doesn't mean that you're a failure." I may be to some people, but not to God. I will NEVER be a failure in God's eyes, and neither will you.

Why?

by Cece

When I was a little girl I was always asking why. It was one of my favorite words. And even now, as a teenager, I still like to wonder why. But this time, there is no innocence to the seemingly harmless question. There is a darkness to it. 

In the seventh grade, I went through a depression stage. I felt like nobody was on my side. I decided to try cutting myself. I mean, people were talking about how it would relieve them from pain, so I thought, ‘Why not.’ I got home and tried it. I started bleeding a lot, and I couldn’t stop crying. I thought I had hit something important. I got up and wrapped my arm up tightly, then went to clean up the mess. I made a vow to never cut myself again. It hurt, and it only made me feel worse.

Fast forward to a few months later. My boyfriend dumped for a girl who hated me, my best friend was spreading rumors about me, and on top of all of that, I was getting notes in my locker telling me I was ugly, useless, and stupid. One note told me to kill myself, that it would make everyone’s life easier. 

So that is what I did, or at least tried to do. But I was too scared, so at the very last second, I chickened out.

From that point on, I felt like nothing. I hated myself and everyone around me. I forgot that I had a mother, father, and two brothers who loved me. All I could do was ask myself, 'Why?' Why would God do this too me? Why would He put me through pain, make me suffer and hate myself? I thought if He really loved me, like everyone says He does, then He wouldn’t make anyone go through that. 

Then I realized something. I was being selfish.

God allows me and others to endure pain and misery to be an example. I could help and reach out to young girls who hate themselves just as much as I hated myself. I could prove to them that life really DOES get better, that all they have to do is forget about everyone else and picture what God would say if He saw you cutting yourself, puking up your lunch, or about to take the life He gave you. 

How do you think he would feel? Happy? Giddy? Excited? 

He doesn’t want you to be unhappy, it breaks His heart. God loves you more than your own parents love you. He wants you to trust in Him with all your feelings and regrets. He is just waiting for the moment when you are finally ready to share.

Editor's note: If you feel you might be at risk for self harm or suicide, please talk to someone. Tell your parents, your youth minister or sponsor, a trusted friend or neighbor, or a counselor. It's important to acknowledge your emotions and reach out for help. There are so many people who love you and are willing to help if you let them!

Swimming out of a whirlpool

By Payson

You're swimming in an ocean, just minding your own business when all of a sudden...

A WHIRLPOOL ERUPTS! Quickly you get sucked in by its amazing force as you struggle so hard to escape it's viscious grip. You go around and around, over and over again, but you get tired of fighting. You see no point in trying because you see no way out. Then, just like that, you're gone. You've been sucked in. Totally consumed by this whirlpool.

Could you see it? Could you see yourself going around and around this whirlpool? It's pretty easy to picture in your mind, right? Well go back up to that paragraph and read it again, only this time, replace the word "whirlpool" with "addiction."

This is how I visualize my addictions. I was totally consumed by my eating disorder. I was totally consumed with my cutting. It became an obsession. I couldn't escape from the iron grasp that they had on me. The farther I got in, the harder it was to get out.

But I did get out. You know how? God. God found me and put so many amazing people in my life. He reached out to me, even though I didn't want to be reached out to. God did the impossible. He saved my life. 

I could have easily cut too deep and hit a vein. I could have had a heart attack while purging. I could have developed heart problems because of the anorexia, or I could have succeeded in my two suicide attempts. But I didn't. He didn't let me.

Can you believe that all of this was caused because society told me I wasn't beautiful? More and more people are being sucked into this whirlpool filled with sick lies and twisted beliefs made by society. When will it stop? I mean, who gets to decide when enough is enough?

These "whirlpools" need to be stopped, but how? It seems impossible. I honestly don't believe that they ever will be stopped completely. You're going to face struggles every day of your life. It sucks, I know. But you know what really helps? Wearing God's armor. 

Ephesians 6:13 says, "Therefore pick up the full armor of God so that you can stand your ground on the evil day and after you have done everything you possibly can to still be standing."

God will pick you up. He will save you from the whirlpools of your life. He can do anything if you give your trust to him 100 percent. Had I not done this, I would be 6 feet under ground at this very moment. It's scary to think about really. But here I am! Writing this for you today, as happy and as healthy as I have ever been! Sure, I'm still struggling, but it's nothing compared to what it was.

God got me out of my whirlpool, and now I'm swimming free!